Compulsion That Grew Within Me

By Cristianne Kelly

I started dressing in my early teens to satisfy this compulsion that grew within me. The need to express my feminine side is part fetish, part fantasy, part escapism, and part thrill. Whatever it is, I feel like this completely different person when Cristianne is able to come out and play. As I've grown older, I've found that my dressing is driven less by the need to satisfy a fetish and more by the need to express this wonderful woman that resides somewhere deep inside me.

To that end, I've become a bit more serious in developing my look recently and have acquired more girlie things than I ever had in the past. Nobody who knows my male side is aware of Cristianne, and I will likely keep it that way. For the time being, I'm happy keeping Cristianne behind closed doors with some brief excursions onto the internet in the hopes of meeting some kind, friendly, and interesting people.

I've always been very transparent on Flickr. I share images of myself, of experiences in my life, of my creative endeavors, of my strengths, and, certainly, of my weaknesses. I share my identity with you all.

For a long time, a part of me has been conflicted about matters relating to gender. I was born a boy, but I've always felt just as much a girl. I feel that way now more than ever, especially as I've been lucky enough to retain very fine, youthful features and a very feminine body, even as I've aged.

In the end, I've come to understand that I can be both boy and girl — both, either, neither. And with that has come immense freedom.

I use Flickr to give others a look into this identity of mine, and I'm grateful for the amazing people I've come to know. We have a shared experience, and I'm thankful for it.

For me, the experience of androgyny and of exploring my femininity is not inherently sexual. Yes, it figures into my own intimate experiences, and it figures into the images I create. A body is a beautiful — and, yes, sexual — entity. But for me, this feminine identity is not a fetish. It's not a way to get off. It's a way to express who I am at a fundamental level.