Finding Felina

By Felina Rochelle

This is not an article on my origin story, but rather the unexpected discovery of my alter personality Felina changed my adult life. How integral is my manifestation of Felina to myself and my personality? When did I know she was there? When did she emerge?

Felina found me about 10 years ago. It is interesting that I found crossdressing when I was 14, and I’ve gone through purge phases since then, but I was always in a relationship with a woman most of my life and so crossdressing was suppressed for most of that time, with the occasional dalliance from time to time. I’ve never been attracted to men or masculinity, so my crossdressing has always been very pure and personal to my inner conflict with gender identity. It was never sexual or caused by a draw towards men or sex. Felina emerged when I was single and alone for the first time in a long while. It happened after my first attempt at full makeup with a wig. The transformation was magical and astonishing to me, at least through my eyes anyway. The transformation event was so powerful that I almost immediately wished I had found her much sooner in life and wondered why I hadn’t. Many readers will be familiar with how things progress from there… Shaving the legs, oh my that is wonderful isn’t it? Painting my nails, adding shapewear, fake boobs, and oh yes, taking pictures which inevitably leads to sharing them with strangers online, or finding amazing support groups like crossdressingfun.com! Meeting other girls, sharing stories and just being with like-minded people is something I cherish.

Felina is a very big part of my personalities now, and when she comes out I feel that she is the embodiment and artistic expression of my true inner self. Everything I’ve seen and secretly loved over time gets to come out when I’m Felina, so I do try to take pride in my style and the photos I take. I try endless angles and poses, and I love anything that seems even a tiny bit unique, so I’m glad to get confirmation that I get it right sometimes.

I am passionate about Felina, but I keep her manifestation completely separate from my male alter. My male and female alternate personalities do not mix. That is why I say I need to feminize before my photo shoots, because my boy and gurl are so different and disconnected. I guess this may sound strange to some, but for me it is a necessity due to my previously mentioned reality. I don’t have the luxury of combining into a single manifestation of Felina, so she is a secret treasure that I allow to consume me from time to time. Of the two genders inside me, Felina is the one that makes me think, “everything in the world feels right now.” I prefer not to do things as Felina that are part of my alter masculine reality, because the blending diminishes the unique spender and femininity that I cherish. When Felina takes over, it’s like flipping a switch, so I am one or the other and that’s the way I like it. It’s me and how I cope. The journey has been one that I will never forget because I’ve learned so much about myself in such a short time. It turns out Felina was inside me from a very young age, but I didn't find her until later in life. I am sad about that sometimes, but overall I am ecstatic to have found her at all and she will always, and happily, be the dominant part of me forever.

- Felina Rochelle