Going underground

By Babette Jones

So many men at one of these stages, including a stage where they never confided anything, just assume it's a deal breaker and decide to completly hide it. Maybe as children they learned that hiding "it" was the only workable solution and why risk it now. Once you let the genie out there may be no putting it back.

It can be such a shock not unlike hearing that you are interested in having an affair and would that be OK? No, oh OK well let's forget I even brought it up... As if.... So many just never bring it up. And many of these men really need someone to talk to and talking to another cd (or put your preferred term here) might be a solution if they could find one they trust and it if it didn't mean they were gay and (*footnote* they might be gay or heading that way and just haven't figured it out.** Or they might be theoretically bi and don't intent to act on it. Just because you're pretty sure you're bi, doesn't mean you have to act on it. It's not like a driver's licence where you have take a road test every so often. The biggest problem here is not sex it's gender but believe me when bio guys are involved with their giant piles of crazy sex juice, sex will insinuate itself into anything. A lot of bioguys are so turned on by their girl experiments that they don't realize or care about gender issues. Their dick does a Jedi mind trick on them saying "these are not the droids (gender issues) you are looking for". So for a lot of biomen it ends here with the conclusion, it's sexy and all this stuff is just for foreplay. Whether it's fear, lack of imagination or a body that is just too hard to hide they often never attempt to get a "passing" grade and continue their hobby as something they need/want to hide and in many cases they are correct in hiding it from most of the world. They are not pioneers willing to live their "truth" if it even is their truth. None of their friends or family will like it (probably). They aren't emotionally equipped to dump all their friends and family. People with big secrets often need friends even more although it's hard for them not to share. And in some cases they do share and that friend does go away. Maybe they didn't sell it well and sales people with low self esteem usually aren't good at sales but for whatever reason that friend is gone. You liked that guy so you reject the idea of losing more friends.

At this point you may also decide to purge because damn it I am the master of my domain and I need friends more than this weird girly sexy thing I do. Except is it all about the sexy part or are you truly part girl? Since you don't think you could pass as a girl why bother trying. I mean you always wanted to be a fireman until you learned you were afraid of fire. Part of you isn't daily pining about not being a fireman. But gender is different and it keeps bugging you even after purging. You force it out of your concious thoughts but now your dreams are working the problem. And you are like "shut the fuck up dreams, I'll decide what's importent" and the dreams say "fuck you and look at yourself in this dress you saw in a store window, yes you can't stop me from making you into a girl or at least girly all night long". I personally expect to have gay dream experiences letting me know that hey you're just gay and isn't that easier than this whole gender mind fuck/? Footnote ** If you have a son do you think he'd prefer your secret to be "I was in prison" or "I have gender issues"? I always assume prison is the preferred secret mostly because it's understandable and partially because it's more "manly". Men who get a complete sex change and are quite passable are easy to understand because they are still mostly in the binary world and they hide in plain sight amonst the other women of the world. But this in between gender nonsense makes no sense to outsiders and very little sense even to the owner of this tricky setup.

You know you want it but you don't know why and to paraphase Eddy Izzard "maybe why doesn't matter and maybe you'll never understand why". It clearly exists as a strong force and probably has (so far) undiscovered brain structures and genetic markers. Common among the animal world is this gender flexiblilty and famously in Jurassic Park. In fact evolution randomly experiments with everything including gender and if evolution hits on as advantage, it just might survive. Since so many of us have explorational and gender fluidity traits it clearly has helped in the past. Most primitive folks have places for gender non conforming and mostly things like religeon and more notably patriarchy have tried to stop it. These men are supreme hence we must stop all unnecessary femininity idea is modern and it attempts to not only control woman but to literally kill any men who dare to visit these potential enemies of men. But thousands of years before relegion and widespread patriarchy there were humans who valued women and female traits and in some cases woman were in charge so gender fluid boys were as acceptable as tomboy girls usually are. I mean tomboy girls are teased but not as likely to be killed for valuing male ideals. The fact that we have a pretty acceptable word "tomboy" but no acceptable tom girl word speaks to the problem. **Footnote when girls imatate boys it's ususally wanting to "do things, build things, accomplish things" you know, like boys do. It's an active impersonation whereas boys may want to do the things that girls do but it's more a state of being. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be a girl. At it's heart it less of an activity driven and more state of being driven....

My personal experience: vaccination just like getting flu vaccines to avoid traumatic illness I need girl vaccine to avoid crushing depression.

*staying dressed after a show Jacob Tabia

**After being turned down by the wife/gf who you've asked/implied to hang out as 2 gf's.

**you drop the subject and it may or may not ruin your relationship anyway. She may innocently bring up a slightly femme subject and you jump on it too enthusiastically because you need some attention or a little verification of that part of you. And if she really hates this part of you, it becomes a mine field for her and this really bugs her. Some women are OK with this chatter and even like that you're being honest and can exist at this discussion level of your "problem". And if you're ok without pushing it into something more that you really might crave this level of acceptance may work. *Footnote(* There's a difference here that I've noticed. The femm discussion can revolve around the wife/gf like "do you like this dress?" and that is miles away from that same discussion becoming "and I'll bet you'd look good in a dress like this" and even more miles away from "why don't you try it on and we'll see how it looks". (**Some of this acceptance might depend on how well the relationship is going otherwise. I love you Bob for so many reasons and in spite of a couple others.

No you disagree? well wtf is your interpretation smart guy?** Oh sorry I get a little emotional about these questions.