Managing a Secret

By Felina Rochelle

How do I find time for Felina? I ask myself that same question all the time. When I was single and living alone, I was able to be Felina much more than I can currently being married and keeping her a secret. I remember those single days with great fondness and even find myself longing for that freedom which is a distant memory today. I would come home from work, close the front door and be naked by the time I got to my bedroom in order to slip on some hose and slide into a dress. I call it the strip walk, where you lose clothing as you’re walking because you just can’t another second to get to where, or who, you want to be. Ha! Then there were those days when I would work from home and I could be Felina 24x7. I really do miss those days. You know, that was also a time where I could just take pictures anytime that I felt like it. Today, with Felina’s “secret”, it is a major production for me to co-ordinate packing my whole identity, feminizing without anyone noticing, scheduling time off work and booking hotel rooms.

Whew, it is so difficult that it can sometimes take away the pleasure of just being me! It almost feels like work, if that makes any sense. Honestly, this challenge of not being able to be Felina when the feeling is strong probably leads to many of the dreaded purge events that I write about in my Roller-coaster article. It is so frustrating sometimes that I will try to hide the bare minimum items needed for transformation in my home so that I can steal moments with her from time to time. Something like one pair of pantyhose, heels, a dress and a wig stuffed away somewhere that I think is safe from discovery.

Unfortunately, that tends to lead to more frustration than happiness because those transformations are often hurried or interrupted which leaves me even more unsatisfied. Not to mention, I feel that the Felina stash could be discovered at any time which would definitely lead to a nasty divorce and a major life event that I’m not sure I want to go through right now. Candidly, not a week goes by where I am not thinking about changing my life situation in order to restore my freedom with Felina. It is a constant stress and pressure that I do my best to process while maintaining a certain normalcy in my current reality.

We do make our own reality, so it is completely in my control and I know that I will decide one day, but I just don’t know when. Again, this time of self-analysis tends to lead to the purges. I feel I’m past the purges now, so that is good news. I’ve thrown away Felina so may times that I gave up trying to keep track! I don’t do that anymore. She is here to stay, whether it’s as a secret or in complete freedom, only time will tell.

- Felina Rochelle