Name:  Nerissa Holmes
Location: Canada

I am an extremely feminine 5 ft 6 TV who loves wearing dresses and all things girly.  All my life I've hovered between being transexual/transgender person and your garden variety tranny.  I love everything about the feminine lifestyle and the wonderful joys it can bring.  It's always felt so natural to me.

Like so many of us, I started with my mother's clothes.  I didn't have any sisters.  I started dressing very early, age 4, just a compulsion, didn't know why, but I had to wear all those pretty clothes as much as I could. Panties and lots of them were my go to clothing of choice as a young boy. I even loved just saying the word, P-a-n-t-i-e-s!   Still do.

The only thing I knew for sure, was what I was doing, wasn't considered 'normal', I just sensed that and went to great lengths to cover up the fact I would rather have been born a girl and be my parent's daughter.  Like so many of us, I thought I was the only one in the world who was like this. If we only knew how many of us there really are.

My sweet grandmother might have sensed something as she often called me her beautiful little girl.  That's the absolute truth. As much as I loved hearing those words,  I didn't let on.  Had I did, since she was a professional seamstress I know I would have had my pick of pretty dresses to wear. I spent a lot of time there and often dressed in her clothes as well. She would have done anything to please me. A very special woman.

Growing up, even my reading material was girl oriented.  When I went to the library, I loved to take out books featuring Madeline, a young French girl living in Paris.  I really identified with her and also I had almost all the Bobbsey Twin books as well, and it was no surprise that is was the sister who I imagined myself being. many of them. Especially about about not being more honest about my feelings and desires throughout my life.  I had feminine mannerisms that people would often point out and when dressed alone as a girl, I knew exactly how to act.  It was always so natural and fun and right!  As a child, I used to run like a girl and my wrists seemed to have a life of their own. After I was told about it, I paid special attention to change how I ran and held my wrists, at least when in public.

When I was 11, the urge to be a girl was overwhelming and I had to share it with someone.  I wanted that person to be my mother as I admired and loved her so much and wanted to be like her.  I came so close one Friday night when we were out was like an anxiety overwhelming me. I was so nervous I began to shake a little, my heart beat hard in my chest and tried to find the words I wanted to say.  I was about to say I wanted to be a girl, when all I got out was something like "Mum, there's something about girl's clothes......I just love them so much" She said, "What do you mean, you want to wear them?" I just wasn't brave enough to say yes to her as much as I wanted to, but she obviously knew. She gave me a look that even at that age, I understood to be a sort of bewilderment and understanding. She didn't bring this conversation up again.... that, would of been up to me.

In fact, I was sure she knew that I wore her clothes, despite the fact I was meticulous in making sure everything was as I had found it.  It helped develop a fantastic attention to detail and memory.  Location, folds, hanger, direction the dress faced, etc.  Thankfully, my Mum would leave the laundry basket of clean clothes in my room before she ironed them. To my satisfaction, I would have her freshly laundered panties and slips to wear to my little heart's delight in my own room.  Heaven!

We had a woman come to clean our house once every two weeks and as we sat at the kitchen table eating lunch together, she always told me I looked like a girl.  Sometimes while playing with other kids in the neighbourhood, children I didn't know would often ask me whether I was a boy or a girl.

As I got older and tried so hard to grow my hair longer, my Mum would often tell me what she would buy me.  Usually, it was when she was behind me in the kitchen and I was at the table.  She'd say, "With that pretty long hair of yours,  I'm going to buy you a pretty lace blouse and a cute mini skirt, nice shoes and everything you need underneath as well. Wouldn't you like that?" Of course, I wanted to say sooooo much Mummy, but I was afraid, deeply.  Of course, she thought the embarrassment would make me cut my hair, but it only fueled my girliness.

My Mother loved fashion and always had the most beautiful clothes. For a girly boy like me, it was simply heaven. She even kept some old crinolines from the 50's and I had worn them every chance I could get. Sometimes, I got to wear the latest fashions even before some of the girls my age at school. By the age of 14, I was into serious drag that included everything from Mum's makeup and lingerie, to her gorgeous dresses and her only wig. Like yesterday, I remember that magical moment when I was completely dressed and wearing her wig for the first time with complete makeup looking into her bedroom mirror. I was wearing one of her feminine floral tops and white tight pants with heels. It was a watershed moment for me, when I definitely didn't see a 14 year old feminine boy anymore, but a real girl looking back. I'll never forget that moment!  Powerful stuff. A glimpse of the real me.

I also knew then and there, that I was destined to be a serious drag queen, tranny, trans, whatever the label.  In fact, I had to be and of course that's who I am!  For many years now, I have to dress completely with makeup, etc. I can't just slip on panties, or a dress and call it a day, it's all or nothing for me.

So here I am many years later and the urge to dress and transform myself into a woman is stronger than ever. It's truly a wonder how deep the desire is. What's also amazing is the change and openness of being trans now. If I was only just starting out, it would be so much easier and I think my life would have taken a different route. I still think about those forks in the road where I could have taken a more obviously feminine route. In fact, I'm still debating yes or no.

I also love to see gurls who have taken the brave steps to becoming real girls and women and living their lives as the honest people they are. I have the deepest respect for those people and I take such pride in their achievements. My heart goes out to them for what they've gone through.   There really hasn't been a better time than now to be trans, so let's celebrate that fact my sweet sisters.

Love you all!


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