Where I stand in the TG Spectrum -
By Ana Cristina García
So far I have expressed my opinion about the sexual arousal component in cross-dressing and how it slows down with time and about that sense of shame and guilt that comes after one returns to reality. Since this is not a story of my life but rather a description of experiences, sensations and conclusions, I do not intend to keep a chronological order in my exposition even though at times it happens that way. In this third part I would like to the need to perform a complete transformation, the need to share the secret with someone and the need to go out dressed as a girl.
Another characteristic that I identify as a part of being a heterosexual CD, and that distinguishes us from most fetishists, is that we seek a complete and convincing transformation that would allow us to “pass” for a woman in day-to-day situations and in public. Once again this is a complex issue not only because it is not easy to understand why we feel this hard to control urges but also because we put our privacy and integrity at risk and yet we need to do it. Over the almost 12 years that I have been on the Internet, I have discussed the topic with hundreds of friends that I think fit the heterosexual CD stereotype and each of them agree in that they seek the best and most complete transformation possible and when they feel they have achieved it, they feel tempted to go out arguably in seek of validation or to put the transformation to the test.
I vividly recall that, even with an incomplete transformation because I did not have a wig, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a girl that looked not bad and I wanted to take her out into the real world so that “she” could experience it. I have no idea of how many times I had to keep myself from taking that big step until one time, and many others followed, I lost control and took that first step out and the risks involved. Fortunately, and I do mean fortunately, I never had inconveniences that would have put my secret out in the open. Those first furtive outings happened when I was left home alone because all my family had gone away on trips and I would go out dressed at night. I was in my teens and often I would find arguments to not go to the trips and stay home with the intention of dressing as much as I could. That mixture of thrill and danger made my heart pound so hard and produced an unbelievable sense of excitement. I knew there was a lot at risk and yet there was nothing I could do to keep me from doing it and feel great about it. I recall that once out and concentrated in playing the role that suited my appearance, there was no erection and the focus changed to not being discovered. In a sense, the sexual arousal was replaced by that particular thrill that only being out dressed as a girl can produce on us. I have always sustained that I do not intend to “feel” or “think” like a woman when I cross-dress since I am always aware that I am a man playing a role by assuming the appearance and mannerisms commonly associated to a woman. In this sense, my masculine brain is mostly focused on me moving and talking as a woman would and keeping the man as hidden as possible and concentrated in piloting Cristy. In future discussions I will talk about this other theory I have and the effect it has on me but for now let’s stay on the risks that we take when in seek of that validation that seems so important to most of us.
As a testimony of the risks we are willing to take, I recall one time in which I went out dressed, made up and without a wig driving my car, which was very easy to recognize. I did it late at night and did not get off the car at any time but it was risky and still the impulse was stronger than reason. In my defense I will say that I took my car because I did not go out from my house but from my grandmother’s house, which I was sitting. I did not go out too many times during adolescence but each time I did, the pounding on the heart as I left or returned and the excitement throughout the adventure were indescribable and did not compare to anything else I had ever experienced!
Another way in which we are willing to take chances in search of validation or acceptance is by revealing our secret to someone we trust or even reveal ourselves to them dressed. We dream about it and carefully review the list of people we trust to select one. We assume that that person will be understanding and supportive and will tell us that we look divine and very feminine but, understandably so, their reaction is that of shock and disbelief; at least at first. After the shock, typical questions like Are you gay?, Do you like men?, Do you want to become a woman? and many others that those of us who have gone through that know well.
Without getting into details, in my case, I always trusted my secret to women because I felt they would be more receptive and that was generally the case. Each time I came out to someone by showing her photos, video or even appearing as Cristy, I was hoping for her to tell me that I looked gorgeous and that Miss Universe had nothing on me. Regardless of her opinion, in the end, what I was looking for was for someone with whom I could talk about and share this facet of my self. In most cases, the confidence and trust did not last long. Even with my wife, who knew about it since we were only friends, I can’t talk about it all of the time because I don’t want my being a CD to be a burden in our relationship. Needless to say that my wife knows all there is to know about Cristy; from the online activities to being the first one who sees my photos and even when I plan to go out, which is not often. We need to understand that only those who meet us for the first time in the feminine role, will rather be with the girl than with the boy and we can’t expect the same from those who have known us as men all the time and have come to love and respect us that way. It is easy for a person who does not know about the issue, and this is the case of most people, to loose respect or admiration for us. My daughter was 19 when my wife and I told her about me being a CD and she said that she respected and admired me the same but asked to never se me as Cristy and that has been the case.
With the Internet gaining interest and an ever-growing TG community in all social networks, that need to reveal the secret to someone diminishes since we have the means to be in touch and share our thoughts with people who are like us and can understand better than anyone else. However, the need to be accepted by those we love and those who are close to us remains. There is also the need to have someone with whom we can go out dressed and if it can be a genetic woman even better, as it will help us look more genuine in public.
It seems contradictory that we are willing to trust such a private secret that even us can’t fully understand or took a long time to comprehend, with other people who, in some cases, might not be too close to us. How can we explain this? I have no idea but, as I argued, it might be the need to not feel alone and have some one with whom we can vent our thoughts, the need of someone who can objectively tell us how we look and what we need to improve in our quest to look feminine enough to pass or simply someone who our feminine persona can call a friend. I could argue that it is the same circumstances that lead us to venture out while dressed. Out of all this possibilities, I am inclined to think that it is the seek of validation and confirmation that we are doing a good job, what moves us to take this chances.
Once again, let me make clear that I am presenting my arguments from a heterosexual CD point of view. You could argue that fetishist also expose themselves but in their case, for what I know, they are seeking public humiliation and not understanding. I am aware that there is a lot of room for discussion here and maybe I will talk more about this in the future.
To be continued…